"YOU HAVE AN UGLY BABY"

Be honest. Have you ever noticed a baby from afar and gotten into your “Baby approaching” mode. You know, the one where you adopt that weird “cutie patootie, baby waby” voice. You begin smiling and gushing and falling all over yourself, but then you get up close and personal with the kid and you realize, “that is one interesting looking child.” Or has someone ever come cooing about their baby, only to set a picture of the little tyke down in front of you and all you could think was, “Damn!?”

I’ve never met a parent who didn’t think his/her baby cute…although I have met babies I didn’t think were particularly gifted in the aesthetic sense. Actually, I’m gonna come out and say it. I’ve seen some babies who were downright alien like, scary, unsettling. I’d never say it to the parent or to the baby, but I’ve thought it. And I know I’m not the only one. But maybe to the parents of these babies, it goes beyond the physical look of their child. Maybe they see them as cute because they’re so tiny and fragile and helpless…and they’re theirs. Besides, who ever wants to admit to themself that they could actually produce something less than perfect.

I bring this up because I’m the parent of a newborn that I’ve named, “Three thousand Six Hundred Twenty Eight Miles.” And hell, I think my kid is gorgeous. But I’ve sent out my first query letter, just to test the waters. I pretty much summed up my story in one sentence, then expanded a little on it by filling my synopsis with adjectives bursting with flare and drama. I included a short bio touting my writing experience and why I wanted to be represented by the particular agency, then I attached the first six pages of my novel – all of which I find particularly intriguing. Sixty four hours later, I received this response:

“Thank you for your recent e-mail. I regret to say that I don’t feel that I’m the most appropriate agent for your work. However, opinions vary considerably in this business, and I wish you the best of luck in your search for representation.”

Now, did I think my very first query…a cold one nonetheless…would have attracted an agent? Hell yeah. I mean, my baby is gorgeous. At worse, I thought I’d get a little more insight into why he didn’t think her so pretty – not just a bland “I’m not the most appropriate agent for your work,” aka “Your baby is kind of ugly and I don’t want to look at it.”

So I sat there for a moment wondering how rose tinted my glasses might actually be – wondering if this kid I’ve birthed isn’t actually a pus-filled little sac of fugly. Sometimes you just can’t help wondering if you might not actually be off on your judgment because you’re so closely tied into your project. And though art is subjective – you still kind of want everyone to love it and everyone to be as gung ho about it as you are. Never mind that this agent sees fifty queries a day, two hundred fifty every week, a thousand every month, I completely believed mine was the one that would stand out.

But I quickly shook off the doubt because I know my baby is pretty. I will continue to cold query, but I’m going to work really hard on getting referrals because if there is one thing I’ve noticed…familiarity encourages acceptance. When there is someone else touting your work…striking up a symphony and sending up flares behind it, there’s an automatic predisposition for others to see the beauty in it. Granted, if it’s truly butt ugly, no one will want to risk their rep on it, but if, with just a bit of baby oil and powder, it will be ready for entrance into the “cutest baby contest,” you’re in...

And more on doubt in my next entry.